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Thread: Rapture next week?

  1. #121
    Silver Member AquariusMoon's Avatar
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    well, if she's ever actually read the Bible, she would know that NO ONE knows the day or time that the Rapture will happen..

    just my 2 cents

  2. #122
    Elite Member nana55's Avatar
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    I don't think the rapture is even mentioned in the bible. It talks about Jesus returning but nothing about a rapture. Those silly Christians.
    If I can't be a good example, then let me be a horrible warning.

  3. #123
    Elite Member LynnieD's Avatar
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    ^^Funny nana---I JUST saw a special on some channel about The Rapture. Didn't watch it closely, but from what I gathered, it is not actually mentioned in the bible. Though, people read The Revelation and assume it is about the end of the world. ASSUME. It doesn't come out and say it---it's just John's (I think) take on things......

  4. #124
    Penske material sprynkles's Avatar
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    I haven't heard any breaking news lately from the wackadoo I work with about her impending departure. But she actually asked the HR dept. if she could transfer her insurance to her sisters name just in case. This got me thinking about Rapture insurance and how funnny that would be. Well I wasn't the only one. Not only are there many brilliant scammers out there offering Rapture insurance, there is even insurance for your pets after your gone. I'm sure this is old news but ...it's awesome!

    All Dogs Don't Go to Heaven: Post-Rapture Pet Care

    By Michael Schreiber

    Call it pet afterlife insurance. Or call it the strangest small business venture we've heard about in this lifetime. Just don't call it a holy rip-off, because the atheist known as Bart is serious about cashing in on an event he doesn't believe in.
    The business in question is Eternal-Earthbound-Pets.com, a service founded by atheists whose target customers are devout Christians anticipating the rapture.
    Here’s how it works:
    Starting for a $110 fee, Eternal-Earthbound-Pets.com (EEP) promises that if and when the rapture occurs, they will care for any pets left behind.


    What’s the rapture? According to many Christians it is when believers will be instantaneously transported to heaven, leaving behind their nonbelieving friends and earthly possessions, including pets.
    So the idea behind EEP is that pets and atheists will not be raptured (according to many, the only prerequisite for rapture is accepting Jesus as your savior), which means there will be plenty of pet-loving nonbelievers available to care for all heathen animals, provided they know where the believer’s pet lives and the believer’s check has cleared. That's where EEP comes in.
    “We’re all of good character, we’re pet lovers and we’ve all blasphemed against the holy spirit in accordance with Mark 3:29,” says Bart, a retired department store executive from New Hampshire and the founder of EEP, who refused to provide his full name.
    Subscribers pay $110 for the first pet, and $15 for each additional under the same roof. Although he would not get specific, Bart says some people, more than one and less than 175, are on board. Holy cow!
    All Dogs Don't Go to Heaven: Post-Rapture Pet Care | Lifestyle | Mainstreet

    If you get a chance, go to the Earth Bound Pets website. Whoever came up with this really has it all worked out. It's definately good for a laugh.

    Now for your needs...

    Document storage and "Rapture" triggered email messaging system.
    • Store up to 250mb of documents
    • Send to up to 62 individual email addresses
    • 150Mb encrypted document storage
    • 100mb unencrypted document storage
    • You can edit documents any time
    • Write your own documents or choose from some of ours
    Services Overview
    We have set up a system to send documents by the email, to the addresses you provide, 6 days after the "Rapture" of the Church. This occurs when 3 of our 5 team members scattered around the U.S fail to log in over a 3 day period. Another 3 days are given to fail safe any false triggering of the system.
    We give you 150mb of encrypted storage that can be sent to 12 possible email addresses, in Box #1. You up load any documents and choose which documents go to who. You can edit these documents at any time and change the addresses they will be sent to as needed. Box #1 is for your personal private letters to your closest lost friends and relatives.
    We give you another 100mb. of unencrypted storage that can be sent to up to 50 email addresses, in Box #2. You can edit the documents and the addresses any time. Box #2 is for more generic documents to lost family & friends.
    The cost is $40 for the first year. Re-subscription will be reduced as the number of subscribers increases. Tell your friends about You've Been left behind.
    You've Been Left Behind

    What about your cell phone? LOL




    Resolved Question

    Does Verizon sell Rapture Insurance on their phones?


    Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
    Probably not, but they DO guarantee that Vcast Music will be working during the Rapture, so you can listen to that one REM song while the world's going bat**** insane, if ya want.

    i think that have have a special rapture package that they just put together.

    for an extra fifty bucks a month you're guaranteed service in the event of rapture...it's a good deal.


    Rapture Visa card! Check out these low rates, lol.



    Available for church members only! This handsome VISA card speaks for itself. What a wonderful witnessing tool for those of us who travel to other towns or communities in Iowa. When you pull out your Christian VISA to make a purchase, you open up an opportunity to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ!
    Features:
    Low 36.99% Introductory Rate!
    Auto Tithe - Donates 10% (minimum) of the price of every purchase directly to Landover Bahamas Bank, the off-shore Banking Division of Landover International Industries.
    EZ Slide Compatible - The Landover VISA is compatible with our EZ slide offering plates. You can use them right there in church, when the collection plate comes around.
    Satan Guard - For $6.95 per month, Satan Guard will censor the cardholder's purchases. It will not allow the purchase of anything that has a total that includes three consecutive sixes, or purchases of indecent materials or services (as defined by the Board of Decency).
    Advanced Satan Guard - For $29.99 per month, Advanced Satan Guard includes everything in the original Satan Guard but extends the decimal points out to 9 digits! Imagine avoiding three sixes, previously invisible to the naked eye! Vendors will be shocked when you are able to recognize the demonic numbers and refuse to shop at their place of business ever again!
    Special discounts! Get a special NRA discount when purchasing firearms and ammo! Special discounts when trading with Christian Certified® Hotels, Restaurants, Airlines and Car Rental companies! Discounts on Rapture Insurance when traveling. Stops sin before it happens! Automatically rejects any purchase that would benefit organizations that support demonic causes such as the Demoncratic party, Tree-hugging environmentalists, secular humanists, witches, satanists, Catholics, liquor companies, companies that employ or do business of any sort with homosexuals, and companies that are open on Sundays, to name just a few.

    Landover Baptist Visa Card

    I like to think that one was a joke, but you never know!
    Last edited by sprynkles; February 27th, 2010 at 05:00 AM.

    She is such a useless shit stain on the panties of humanity~Bitter's awesome description of K.K

  5. #125
    Elite Member Sundance's Avatar
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    LMAO! Wonder how many people actually tried to sign up?

  6. #126
    Super Moderator twitchy2.0's Avatar
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    Yes, Landover Baptist is a joke.
    "Creepy, like when Tom Cruise laughs." - Bloodhound Gang

    "the sight of Kim writhing around with her huge bum and the sound of her horrible high-pitched wailing repulsed me. By the end of the tape, I had burst into tears." - Mike Amess

  7. #127
    Elite Member Sundance's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nana55 View Post
    I don't think the rapture is even mentioned in the bible. It talks about Jesus returning but nothing about a rapture. Those silly Christians.
    It's more of an assumption they have. Haven't gone near the religious stuff in years but there's some passage about "meeting in the air". Truthfully i think it's just another excuse for them to bash people over the head about how chosen & special they are.

  8. #128
    Elite Member LynnieD's Avatar
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    I'm sure w/all the Earthquakes and natural disasters going on, these bitches will be in high gear. Gotta keep us updated Sprynkles! Would LOVE to hear what she says about all this....

  9. #129
    Elite Member Sundance's Avatar
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    Well since i'm goin' to hell anyway...a CLASSIC

    [youtube]1LXuNpF6NVg[/youtube]

  10. #130
    Elite Member LaFolie's Avatar
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    [YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCaU8LcwGTA[/YOUTUBE]
    I love the smell of napalm in the morning...

  11. #131
    Friend of Gossip Rocks! buttmunch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LynnieD View Post
    I'm sure w/all the Earthquakes and natural disasters going on, these bitches will be in high gear. Gotta keep us updated Sprynkles! Would LOVE to hear what she says about all this....
    I was just htinking that with the latest quake (Turkey) these dipshits might just be on to something. OR else the earth is going to spin off it's axis.
    'Those who sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither.' Ben Franklin

    "When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross."
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  12. #132
    Elite Member LynnieD's Avatar
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    Bumping this for Sprynkles coworker! Has she heard about this yet??

    Save the Date!

    This time, it's really happening. On May 21 of next year, Jesus Christ shall swoop down from the heavens on a white steed to snatch up all True Believers. That's right — the Rapture is coming! Where do you stand?

    People have claimed for centuries that they know when the Rapture is coming, but this time, someone's finally got it right. They even have billboards and bumper stickers to prove it! The billboards are produced by supporters of a Christian network called Family Radio Inc., and they've set up a website to spread the Good Word, WeCanKnow.com. The site serves as a one stop shop for all your proselytizing needs. You can download images to use as billboards, order bumper stickers, and download e-versions of the Bible (perfect for an iPod touch or iPad!). There are 40 billboards in the Nashville, Tennessee area already.

    But how do they really know? Because Family Radio's founder, Harold Camping, says so. From The Tennessean:

    According to Camping's prediction, the Rapture will happen exactly 7,000 years from the date that God first warned people about the flood. He said the flood happened in 4990 B.C., on what would have been May 21 in the modern calendar. God gave Noah one week of warning.

    Since one day equals 1,000 years for God, that means there was a 7,000-year interval between the flood and rapture.

    Whoa. So, like, in God Years, that means I'm how old? Oh Jesus. I need a drink.

    Gawker — Gossip from Manhattan and the Beltway to Hollywood and the Valley

  13. #133
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    So does this mean that on May 20th, I can start a "Goodbye Cruel Board" or "Adios, you sinning sonsofbitches" thread with no consequences? I mean, I don't want you all to start a thread looking for the 5 of us who will no longer be here.
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
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  14. #134
    Elite Member cmmdee's Avatar
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    I love that JC has a save the date. That's awesome.

  15. #135
    Penske material sprynkles's Avatar
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    Well wow! Thanks for the update Lynnie. I'm sure she has the date circled on her calender. It should be about the ninth date for her. For her sake I hope it happens. Funny thing is, she's such a bitter mean cow that if any of this silliness were true, there is no way they'd take her. Happily for me, I do not work at the same place anymore, but do get amusing updates from my co-worker friends. Can't say I miss her one bit.


    She is such a useless shit stain on the panties of humanity~Bitter's awesome description of K.K

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