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Thread: Stupid Criminals

  1. #1
    Hit By Ban Bus! UndercoverGator's Avatar
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    Default Stupid Criminals

    Rather than cluttering the board with individual postings about squeeze cheese assaults and 911 calls about cold onion rings I thought I'd start putting the crimes of the absurd here in this thread when I find them.

    Today's all come from a police arrest report for Gwinneth county. I'm not exactly sure where that is but boy did they have stupid things committed there last week.

    Police Briefs
    11/18/2005

    Pair attempt to rob pizza man
    SNELLVILLE A pizza deliveryman Tuesday shamed two would-be robbers into leaving him alone, according to a police report.
    The victim was making a delivery on West Shadburn Avenue when he realized the house was vacant. Two young black men with shaved heads walked around the corner and said, Someone should be there in that house.
    The suspects proceeded to knock on the door, getting no answer. Then they reportedly turned on the deliveryman and demanded his money.
    The deliveryman replied, What? You want to kill me for $15, then go ahead and kill me. You want to kill me for a pizza, then do it, the report stated.
    The young men walked away. The deliveryman was uninjured and nothing was stolen.

    Woman charged with beating her husband
    LAWRENCEVILLE A Lawrenceville woman was arrested Tuesday for allegedly beating her husband with a curtain rod.
    Sarah Elizabeth Ward, 33, had been arguing with her husband as he was waiting for a ride to pick him up. She locked the door behind him and he kicked it in, according to a police report.
    Ward then struck him several times with a curtain rod while he was trying to use the phone to call a ride the report said. The husband had several red, raised welts on his stomach and back, an officer noted.
    The husband admitted he struck Ward with a boot while trying to stop her from hitting him; however, Ward had no visible injuries, the report stated. She was arrested on a battery charge.

    Waffle House fight leads to womans arrest
    DULUTH A Duluth woman was arrested Sunday following a fight with employees at the Waffle House at 1825 Pleasant Hill Road.
    Margaret M. Teall, 27, and a male companion were overheard by a cook talking about what a dead-end job working at Waffle House was, according to a police report. The cook told the pair to leave if they didnt like it there.
    Teall and her companion then began cursing. Teall allegedly threw a cup at employees and threw water in a managers face.
    Teall told police she was complaining about receiving bad service when an argument broke out and the cook lunged at her with a knife. However, a customer who witnessed the altercation confirmed the employees account.
    Teall was charged with disorderly conduct and her companion was asked to leave the property.
    From staff reports

  2. #2
    Friend of Gossip Rocks! ourmaninBusan's Avatar
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    Talking Re: Stupid Criminals

    Those are good, but I think I got them beat.

    Herein is the most ludicrous hijacking in history:


    ...We turn to Davao City in the Philippines this year. Augusto was a
    man with a mission. He boarded a Philippine Air flight to Manila, and donned a
    ski mask and swim goggles. Then he pulled out a gun and a grenade and
    announced that he was hijacking the plane. Apparently, security is a bit lax
    at the Davao City airport.

    He demanded that the plane return to Davao City, but the pilots convinced
    him that the aircraft was low on fuel, and they continued on toward Manila.
    Augusto, undaunted, robbed the passengers of about $25,000 and ordered
    the pilots to lower the plane to 6,500 feet
    .

    When a lunatic with a gun orders you to descend, you descend. Meanwhile,
    Augusto strapped a homemade parachute onto his back, and forced the flight
    attendants to open the door and depressurise the plane.

    He probably intended to jump, but the wind was so strong that he had
    trouble getting out of the plane. Finally, one of the flight attendants helpfully
    pushed him out the door, just as he pulled the pin from the grenade. He
    threw the pin (oops!) into the cabin, and fell toward the earth carrying the
    business end of the grenade in his hand.

    The impact of Augusto hitting the earth at terminal velocity had little effect
    on the earth's orbit. All that remained aboveground were Augusto's two
    hands.


    Link to the awards inspired by this man:


    ♫` ∴|| ~∞≠∝ ♫♪ $ -4C

  3. #3
    Hit By Ban Bus! UndercoverGator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stupid Criminals

    Today's bit of weirdness and crime - "Mannequin Rape Statistics"

    Department Store 'Mannequin Rape' Hits All Time High
    Shocking Figures

    The period beginning on the Monday before Thanksgiving* up until Christmas, is the peak time for a little reported incidence of mannequin rape, according to disturbing figures that have come into our possession.

    Female mannequinThe attacks, where store mannequins are sexually assaulted, sometimes in the store in front of other shoppers, hit a peak in 2004 with over 4,000 suspected incidents. That number is expected to grow again this year.

    The combination of mild winters, and increasingly sexy mannequins are to blame for the increase in what is widely regarded as a significantly underreported crime.

    Mannequin rape may have gone unnoticed for many years as it had been miss-reported under other offenses, such as 'mannequin theft', 'temporarily missing mannequin' or 'unauthorized mannequin moving'.

    Male mannequinIn the case of 'mannequin moving', most stores do not regard it as a police reportable offense if the mannequin is moved less than 3 inches.

    A store security guard told this web site:

    "85% of mannequin rapes occur when a mannequin, which is on display near a changing room, is taken into the said changing room and then attacked."

    23 November 2005
    and assault via fish

    Attacker struck passer-by with fish he wouldn't kiss

    A MAN is facing jail after slapping a passer-by with a fish.

    Alan Bennie, 20, was walking through a park when he was approached by assailant David Evans, who was carrying a fish.

    Neil MacGregor, prosecuting, told Falkirk Sheriff Court that the incident happened in Zetland Park in Grangemouth, Stirlingshire, at about 8.30pm in May this year.

    Mr MacGregor said: "The accused asked the complainer 'Do you want to kiss my fish?'

    "Mr Bennie made no reply and walked on, at which point the accused said: 'You answer me next time I ask you to kiss a fish', and slapped him round the face with it."

    The attack caused reddening and left fish scales sticking to the victim's cheek. Police were called and apprehended Evans nearby. He admitted the offence.

    Evans, 22, of Strowan Road, Grangemouth, pleaded guilty yesterday to assaulting Mr Bennie with the fish to his injury.

    Sheriff Craig Caldwell deferred sentence until later this week, for the case to be dealt with along with other matters involving Evans which are still to be brought before the court.
    Last edited by UndercoverGator; November 23rd, 2005 at 01:03 PM. Reason: Additions

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