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Thread: Ted Casablanca 05/22/08

  1. #1
    Hit By Ban Bus!
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    Default Ted Casablanca 05/22/08

    Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth
    One Remove-With-Care Blind Vice: Traceless Turncoat, our ol' backstabbing TV babe, who's made quite the career outta selling out her boob-tube amigos (for cash and prizes, mind you) has been—horrors!—behaving herself, as of late. Too boring for words. But, wouldn't ya know it: Word got back to T.T. that her network's higher-ups were perfectly aware she'd turned herself into a Jackie Collins version of Benedict Arnold, and that she'd better cool it. That, she did. That is until her glitzy place of employment began hiring much younger, prettier, more shapely things who just happened to have far more impressive cleavages than does our babe, Trace. Yikes! What's an averagely endowed, amoral, conniving, man-munching, nominally talented bitch to do? Surgery? Amazingly engineered push-up bras? Suicide? Nope. But duct tape certainly seemed to be a viable option. So to the hardware store went Ms. T's horrified stylist, who didn't know whether to laugh, cry or get some spackle, too (T2's not quite as flawless as she used to be). See, Ms. T had a plan, and this is indeed what that poor stylin' worker bee has to put up with every day Traceless is glammed up for her TV show: They both go into T.T.'s private dressing room, and before the latest ta-tas-showing outfit is practically painted onto the girl's increasingly diminishing figure, the dresser wraps an entirely nude Turncoat's midsection in industrial-strength tape, winding up just underneath Ms. T's breasts, thereby turning her natural-born babies into Pam Anderson-style bazookas. Get it? Duct tape, babes. Directly onto—and then off of, 'course—the vain honey's skin. Every damn day. Oh, and Trace is hardly subtle about the pain during the taking off process. Swears like...well, me. AND IT AIN’T: Maria Menounos; Samantha Harris; Kelly Ripa

    AGC MAIN PAGE BLIND ITEMS

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    Elite Member Beeyotch's Avatar
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    Haha! What an idiot! The things some people will do to keep up in the competitive game of appearances!

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    Ow! And all those little bits of sticky stuff would still be on your skin collecting fluff... heh heh... by the end of the week she must look like a balding Sasquatch with tufts of fluff stuck all over her!
    vaya con dios

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    Deborah Norville or Mary Hart? Both their shows are distributed in syndication by CBS.

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    Elite Member Sassiness's Avatar
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    I dunno who this is but seriously... if you're that desperate, use a CORSET! Much less painful!

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    Elite Member sparkly's Avatar
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    Nancy O'Dell or Guiliana DePandi.
    Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

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    Elite Member TonjaLasagna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sparkly View Post
    Guiliana DePandi.

    Definitely Guiliana Rancic.
    I noticed her breasts size increase over the past month or so. Plus her dresses & tops have gotten lower to show off the new taped cleavage. Thank goodness Ted C is there to blow the whistle on her.
    "the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone"

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    Gold Member Natalie's Avatar
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    Ryan Seacrest

    ehhh

    Mary Hart?
    ηαтαℓιε
    wнo ѕayѕ noтнιng ιѕ ιмpoѕѕιвle. ι've вeen doιng noтнιng ғor yearѕ

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    Elite Member southernbelle's Avatar
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    Guiliana Rancic.

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    Silver Member judejack's Avatar
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    Default From Ted's Mailbag:

    Dear Ted:
    Traceless Turncoat from One Remove-With-Care Blind Vice can't be Teri Hatcher (although she seems crazy enough to use duct tape, and she is skinny enough). But I'm gonna go instead with Katherine Heigl, whose antics are so transparent they could weave a Victoria's Secret teddy outta them.
    Susan
    Carmel, N.Y.

    Dear Hatching Away:
    Kath-babe’s got some serious probs (mainly smoking), but she’s clear in this case. Think slightly less (in?)famous.


    Dear Ted:
    Is Tracy Turncoat Nicollette Sheridan?
    Mishelle
    Chattanooga, Tenn.

    Dear Al’s Nabe:
    Even though, perhaps, Nicky does need a tad of help with duct tape in the bod department, ain’t her. The correct desperation dame is considerably svelter.


    Dear Ted:
    First, why the hell is Suri Cruise still drinking out of a bottle? Isn't that kid about 2 years old now? And is Traceless Turncoat your very own Kristin? Can't help but notice some new names around E!, and thought maybe?
    Cathy
    Dickinson, Texas

    Dear 2 for 1:
    With a dad like Tom, I wouldn’t be surprised if Suri’s sucking on inappropriate things the rest of her life, and no, my darling Ms. K here at the home corral ain’t the right booby babe. You’re closer than Nic Sheridan, though, that’s fer sure!

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    Elite Member WesCAdle's Avatar
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    What about Tyra Banks who went to great lengths to show that her boobies were real? She may need a bit of a pull up by this point and is vain enough to do anything SHE thinks makes her even more beautiful and appealing.
    as privileged as a whore...victims in demand for public show, swept out through the cracks beneath the door, holier than thou, how?

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    Debbie Matenopolos? That chick is so annoying.
    "Give me your love and I'll give you--the Perfect Love Song!"

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    Elite Member Sarzy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by judejack View Post
    Dear Ted:
    Traceless Turncoat from One Remove-With-Care Blind Vice can't be Teri Hatcher (although she seems crazy enough to use duct tape, and she is skinny enough). But I'm gonna go instead with Katherine Heigl, whose antics are so transparent they could weave a Victoria's Secret teddy outta them.
    Susan
    Carmel, N.Y.

    Dear Hatching Away:
    Kath-babe’s got some serious probs (mainly smoking), but she’s clear in this case. Think slightly less (in?)famous.


    Dear Ted:
    Is Tracy Turncoat Nicollette Sheridan?
    Mishelle
    Chattanooga, Tenn.

    Dear Al’s Nabe:
    Even though, perhaps, Nicky does need a tad of help with duct tape in the bod department, ain’t her. The correct desperation dame is considerably svelter.


    Dear Ted:
    First, why the hell is Suri Cruise still drinking out of a bottle? Isn't that kid about 2 years old now? And is Traceless Turncoat your very own Kristin? Can't help but notice some new names around E!, and thought maybe?
    Cathy
    Dickinson, Texas

    Dear 2 for 1:
    With a dad like Tom, I wouldn’t be surprised if Suri’s sucking on inappropriate things the rest of her life,
    Eh, that bit about Suri.. Is it just me or does that sounds like he's implying something quite serious about Tom?

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    Sharon Osbourne?

    From TMZ:

    Everyone knows you don't mess with Sharon Osbourne. After four years judging the hit British show, "The X-Factor," Ozzy's wifey told the show to take their contract offer and shove it. The exact words Sharon used are unclear, but if her reality show days are any indication, it had to be a colorful selection of words.

    Sharon's peeps insist she was just tired of doing the show after four years and wanted to move on, but the London rumor mill says she was jealous of her much younger and perky co-host, Danni Minogue, and her constant flirting with Simon Cowell. Sharon was sick of competing for attention and when the show didn't meet her financial demands for next season, she walked, according to the Daily Mail.

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