Ted Casablanca 03/27/08

[sanlee]

E! Online


One Whipping Oy Blind Vice


Snarla Sledgehammer isn’t known for being subtle. She’s made her name—some say living—by being entirely in-your-face, whether you deserve it or not. And in the so-hip arena of blogging/TV commentary, the multitalented, attractive-enough babe (who’s got more hair than style sense, to be brutally Snarla-esque about it) currently shines, struts and reigns supreme. But then again, that arguable pro point’s hardly the thrust of this Vice.
Several years ago, SSH had a child, Spawna Sledgehammer. Lovely kid, really, but due to Snarla’s overzealous prioritizing of all things kiddie, turned out Ms. S couldn’t even take a dump without consulting her offspring’s homework schedule, much to the chagrin of Snarla’s friends and colleagues, who became increasingly frustrated with being cast aside—always in the name of playdates, and such. Snarla became reliable for snapping at her fancyass fellow workers not to interfere with her all-holy maternal duties. Not wise. But then she made the truly unfortunate choice of repeating the same self-obsessed behavior with trusted confidantes, including Pete Priss-Ass, a well-known fagola fellow boob-tuber and writer, whom Spawna had always leaned on for lengthy bitch sessions.
Much to the shock of many, Pete—not exactly a choosy customer in the great grocery store of love (he often squeezed melons he really shoulda stayed away from)—got himself engaged. Stunned, but more so ecstatic, PPA rang up his good amiga, whom he adored, and, absolutely beaming over the phone, invited Snarla & fam to the small, out-of-state ceremony.
“It’s not convenient,” was SSH’s first reaction. No congrats. No words of good-wishing gooeyness, just a thorough chastising for Pete’s thoughtlessness in selecting a wedding date not conducive to—you guessed it—Spawna’s activity schedule. Ouch! Does Pete have some kinda S&M thing going for his friendships, or did he just not get the memo that hetero day-planning always trumps homo?




And It Ain't

• Pamela Anderson
• Arianna Huffington
• Nancy Grace

[RevellingInSane]

Does Greta Van Sustern have a child?

[sparkly]

Kathie Lee Gifford?

[Beeyotch]

Does Gloria Allred have a daughter?

[cherrychip]

^ Yes! Gloria's daughter is Lisa Bloom. Lisa is also a lawyer and is a host on TruTV (formerly Court TV).

[cherrybaby]

Whoever it is, the daughter is relatively young, born "several years ago." She's probably school-aged ("Spawna’s activity schedule") but still a child, and I guess an only child.

[tragicallyflawed]

What about Sandra Bernhard, she's loud, has big hair and has a 10 year old daughter named Cicely. I think she was also in a relationship with Madonna, so maybe now that she has a kid she doesn't have time for her gay friends.

[OrangeSlice]

It says she currently shines in the areas of blogging and tv commentary. Probably white, blond, lots of hair, bad fashion sense....

What about one of those blonds from ET or one of those other entertainment shows?

It's maddening trying to think of suspects!


Hey, what about Melissa Rivers?

"Snarla Sledgehammer isn’t known for being subtle. She’s made her name—some say living—by being entirely in-your-face, whether you deserve it or not. And in the so-hip arena of blogging/TV commentary, the multitalented, attractive-enough babe (who’s got more hair than style sense, to be brutally Snarla-esque about it)"

[Moongirl]

Does Ann Coulter have any kids?

[LynnieD]

I like the Melissa Rivers guess. She has one kid, who's gotta be pushing 8-9 yrs old now.

For some reason I thought of Jillian Barberi (sp?) but I think her kid is too young for this one.

[Ann Tique]

I like the Melissa guess as well. First I thought it was Joan with Melissa being the child, but the age matches Melissa better. I think the Rivers ladies and Ted did the Red carpet together for awhile?

I hope he spills more on his wedding!

[Dean James]

i thought Jillian Barbarie too but yeah, her bebe is too little to have a schedule. I think. Or do Hollywood toddlers have day agendas?

[cherrybaby]

Originally Posted by Ann Tique

I like the Melissa guess as well. First I thought it was Joan with Melissa being the child, but the age matches Melissa better. I think the Rivers ladies and Ted did the Red carpet together for awhile?

I hope he spills more on his wedding!

Oooh! So this is Ted being pissed for Melissa Rivers skipping his wedding? Looks like her son is 7.

[cherrybaby]

Originally Posted by Moongirl

Does Ann Coulter have any kids?

That's a man, baby!

[zorbeet]

How about Hasselbeck?