Ted Casablanca 06/28/07

[pusssykatt]

Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth
One Horny Improvement Blind Vice: Houses in Hell-Ay, just as domiciles round the world sometimes can be, are often used as backgrounds for movie and TV film projects as well as photo shoots. In fact, there are companies that specifically farm out T-town’s more posh houses for whatever media project comes a-callin’—and I’m not talkin’ porno shoots (that’s a diff number ya call, trust). These housing minders like to think they’re discreet (usually they are) finaglers of design and commerce, sort of architectural matchmakers, if you will. Very snitty and highbrow, exclusive, that sorta thang. Which is why Butt-Burning Bruce, media and film legend of sorts, called one particular firm like the ones mentioned above. B3 hasn’t exactly been working that much as of late (so, no, all you hard-working detectives, it ain’t Monsieur Willis, I’ll say that much right now). Mr. Bee, uh, needed some loot—fast. What better way to score some major quickie moolah than to rent out his supercool lovelorn pad perched so magnificently in the City of Fallen Heartthrobs, right? So, he did. And now he regrets doing so. See, when the film company that subsequently came in to take advantage of B.B.B.’s hipper-than-slick streamlined job, what just about everybody involved on the project got instead was what B. left in the oversize master b-room. And, no, I don’t mean he simply forgot to flush. Butt-Burning failed to remove a fancy jewelry box from a polished bathroom counter. Not that fabulous gems and baubles could have been stolen, not at all. Carats of far greater value (i.e., kinkiness) were inside: sex toys, to be exact. Guess they’d been placed on the counter for washing, one supposes. And sure as you can smell a whole lotta strawberry-flavored lube right about now, B3 had an entire assortment of dildos, whips and ticklers in the wooden container. Used. All of it. Gross me out with an industrial-size bottle of 409, already! Hey, Bruce, don’t you know you’re supposed to put that crap in the dishwasher, boyfriend? Gosh, straight guys never know how to get really debauched efficiently, do they? (By the by, B-boy, those playthings for your partner—or you?) AND IT AIN’T:
Harrison Ford; David Hasselhoff; Cuba Good Jr.

AGC MAIN PAGE BLIND ITEMS

[Chilly Willy]

Hmm. No clue. But this isn't exactly scandalous.

[greysfang]

Bruce Willis?

[Tati]

^^ Nopers.

B3 hasn’t exactly been working that much as of late (so, no, all you hard-working detectives, it ain’t Monsieur Willis, I’ll say that much right now).

[SweetPea]

Butt-Burning Bruce, media and film legend of sorts, called one particular firm like the ones mentioned above. B3 hasn’t exactly been working that much as of late -

I thought of Jack Nicholson. After Somethings Got To Give in 2003, He only did The Departed (2006), and just completed The Bucket List. Something about media and film legend got me.

[RevellingInSane]

The blind said it's not Bruce, who would have been my first guess. I can't see Jack needing he money.

Maybe John Voight? Oscar winner and dragged into the media attention with his lovely daughter?

[SweetPea]

City of Fallen Heartthrobs, hmm?

[feedthepilot]

Jim Carrey aka Bruce Almighty?

Man, this was not the post to read during lunch. Yuck.

[SunShine23]

so he used to be hot, then? well it says MEDIA and film legend....so maybe he hawks some product? i dunno

[LynnieD]

I immediately thought of Jack N too...but cannot see it.

I like the Jim Carrey guess. I'll go with that one too.

[SunShine23]

JIm Carey makes 20mil a picture. he doesnt need money

[PaintTheTownRed]

"media and film legend of sorts" I'm stuck on this part. At first I thought it was Tim Allen, Horny Improvement=Home Improvement, but he would have just said TV rather than media legend. oh and dildos in the dishwasher sounds disgusting

[nycgirly101]

It's not Jim Carrey- he makes tons and tons of money

[ehanc]

John Stamos?

[Lily]

^I can't stop laughing


Let's just answer "John Stamos" for every BI from now on forever and ever