Who's more insecure-gorgeous or average women?

[BeautifulVisions]

Sometimes I think that gorgeous women would be more secure with their looks, but it seems like they are more insecure than average/ugly women, at least in some ways. I think some females are used to being the prettiest girl in the room/in school/in their group of friends/ect, and sometimes when an even more gorgeous girl enters the picture, it's weird for them not being the person everyone is fawning over and not getting all the attention. What does everyone think? If you looked like one of the most beautiful people, would you just be really happy to look like that & be secure with yourself? Or would you compare yourself to other strikingly pretty women & lose your confidence? I think that if I looked like Catherine Zeta Jones or Angelina Jolie, I'd be so happy that I wouldn't give a damn about other women, but maybe anyone can become insecure/jealous.

[DitaPage*]

For a start, I truly believe there isn't a person alive who isn't insecure. No matter what someone else thinks, we are our worst critics and will ALWAYS find flaws. Some of us are just more confident than others about it.

As for beautiful women, there's always the pressure to STAY beautiful; with homely girls who don't change, people don't say much, but when a beautiful girl starts losing her looks for whatever reason along comes the 'What happened to her, she used to be so pretty' comments.

And not everyone thinks Angelina Jolie is beautiful; I look at her and think 'Wow, stunning' but I know other people who don't ; so no matter what you look like, there will ALWAYS be someone who thinks thats beautiful and someone who doesn't.

[BeautifulVisions]

^ I agree completely.

I want to say I just used Angelina as an example though. Take your pic. Let's just say someone is GORGEOUS, but then sees the most stunning woman. Would you think the gorgeous woman would feel differently than the average woman would seeing someone prettier? Ugly/average women never have the feeling of being the really hot girl that gets all the attention. It seems like so many pretty women are more insecure around other women around their level looks-wise than average/ugly women are. Also, gorgeous women (and sometimes even gorgeous men) freak out more about gaining weight/getting breakouts/aging/ect than average women/men do. Again, I'm not really sure who's more insecure. I do think that maybe in some ways beautiful women are more insecure.

[DitaPage*]

I see what you mean. I'd say beautiful girls who are very aware of it, and make their looks the most important thing would probably be upset by the presence of a prettier girl. And girls who are told they're beautiful probably feel a pressure to keep that up - so a zit or a bad hair day would kill their confidence moreso than it would someone who doesn't place so much importance on their looks.

[ariesallover]

I've noticed that both unattractive and attractive women who are invested in their looks (to get relationships, jobs, money, self-worth) deal with a certain level of insecurity constantly. It's sort of like writers who are competitive and get jumpy when they learn the competition is already 3/4 through a new manuscript. Someone is always going to be more ____ than you.

Kinda random, kinda related:

I've noticed that the insecurity level of people who banked on their looks go up with age (this observation is unremarkable, I suppose lol), unless they've learned to bank on other things for money and happiness.

There was a study that showed attractive people tended to have more frequent negative moods/thoughts at midlife, and researchers concluded that as their looks faded, they lost a form of regular affirmation (others' acknowledgment of their beauty) and a way of getting confidence and esteem. I wish I could remember more and find the text.

I'm not sure that's an indicator of insecurity exactly, though at first blush, it may sound that way (that was my initial reaction). It sounded more like grief. If I were an artist who lost my ability due to intractable arthritis as I aged or macular degeneration, I would mourn it, and I wonder if that is what is going on, something more than simple vanity.

[DitaPage*]

Someone is always going to be more ____ than you.

Exactly, so these people will probably never be happy because no matter how attractive you are, SOMEONE is better.

[ariesallover]

Yes, broadly, it strikes me as something that may be more personality type than something peculiar to looks. If a person was always the smartest kid in the class with all the academic awards and expected to be regarded as such constantly, some of the same behaviors/feelings would emerge when jockeying with someone else for being the smartest.

You're onto something though: women and the category of appearance for them in a way it is not for men. By default, someone once observed, we're put in a beauty pageant without our consent just by virtue of being female. I may walk out of the house that day and not compare myself to others, but I know it's done for me by others (and I've gotten the uninvited feedback as proof).

[ariesallover]

Some evidence that more average-looking women than stunners may be more secure:

I disclosed to a long-time model/TV personality (I would put her into the "objectively beautiful" camp to the arguable extent there is such a thing - I mean, universal gasps from people were pretty normal for her) that I lost my hair while I was at my worst with illness some years ago.

Her first response to me was not, "Were you afraid of dying? Did you wonder how you would live? Was the pain bad?" Those are questions I got from many people, and they were obviously entirely reasonable questions, the kind I anticipated.

Her first response was not a question at all: "That must have really hurt your self-esteem." No question. Empathy for how it is. But that wasn't how it was for me.

It wasn't catty comment, I should clarify. It wasn't bitchy, and I guess you'll have to trust my perception, since by that point I had known her for over a year.

It was just *that* was the first thing that occurred to her: looks = self. Of course it did: looks mediated everything for her from the time she was little.

I laughed. I explained that actually, no, my esteem was quite intact at that point. I put on a bandana and big hoops earrings and worked the fuck out of my eyeliner. It never occurred to me that now I am ugly, or my "market value" took a hit because of the impact on my looks.

I was scared shitless of other things. It did occur to me to be fearful of my functionality, as that related to my independence; I was fortunate that at that time, I could still do what I centrally needed to do in my life. I would have felt ashamed if there were certain things I couldn't figure out a way to do, and my esteem would have suffered (and maybe the Stunner wouldn't have???). The stuff I wanted/needed to do was far easier than keeping the hair on my head decent though lol, thankfully.

But it literally didn't come onto my radar that woah, I'm (potentially) uglier now, and it sure as fuck never crossed my mind that my esteem would be decreased. (None of that is not to say I didn't mourn changes in my body. I did. Painfully and often.) I still hit on people, asked them out, went on dates, and had sex (though obviously, not for too long at a time lol).

[pacific breeze]

ariesallover, your posts in this thread are excellent. I agree with pretty much everything and it makes me think about what one of my very attractive aunts said to me when she was about 65: "Women of a certain age are invisible in the way that a man will never be." Not just sexually invisible, but invisible as human beings to a large extent. That is what I fear the most.

[ariesallover]

^Thanks.

[january]

Wonderful posts, Aries!

It does strike me now that I am not a particularly self-absorbed or vain person, but when I do focus on the far future, the one thing that I fear immediately is losing my looks. I wonder why I don't immediately fear losing my mind, my eyesight, my hearing, etc. - but the first thing that pops into my head is losing my looks. It is curious, seeing that I'm not particularly vain. I guess its just been instilled in me, even in a subconscious manner, that my looks are what define me. Its pretty sad now that I am conscious of it.

[Honey]

The most beautiful people aren't aware of how gorgeous they are

[A*O]

It isn't about looks, it's about personality. Some people are highly insecure about their looks - and everything else - whether they are gorgeous or fug.

[sputnik]

i think raspberry and aries both make excellent points. first, that everyone is insecure to a degree and second, that women that have always gotten attention for their looks have a particularly hard time if they lose their looks. whereas maybe for average or pretty-but-unexceptional women it's not such a big deal because they never depended just on their looks and know that there is more to them than their physique.

[BeautifulVisions]

I'm loving all the intelligent responses to this thread. Keep them coming! I agree with a lot of you. People don't usually take topics such as beauty/self-esteem/insecurities seriously. I know that there are bigger problems in the world, but I think these topics/issues affect many females. They definitely do in my circle of friends.