Crumpet Like you said research doesn't lie and research does indicate that parents staying in a marriage where they are unhappy is very detrimental if not more detrimental than the effects of divorce on children. Two parents are ideal yes; however that’s two functional and stable parents. Marriage in many cases doesn’t permit parents to be 'functional or stable' due to the stress of their relationship with each other.
Well, I don't want to hijack this thread more than I did already. For what it's worth (and that's not much) my parents were married before mom got pregnant and they divorced when I was very young because my father was a raging, violent alcoholic. We never go child support or anything else but peace when mom got him out of her (and my) life. I did not become a statistic, but easily could have. My mom was a great parent who put me first unlike other single moms I've witnessed who were most interested in getting a new boyfriend and maintaining their own social lives. That said, I still believe that being married, then having kids generally creates more of a climate of committment to raisng the children. I also don't know that it's healthy for kids to have separated parents and see them each with a revolving door of men and women coming in and out of their lives. The research that says a parent's happiness affects the kids really focuses on not staying in abusive relationships (physically or verbally) for the sake of the kids because it sets a terrible example (just one of many issues with it). However, it seems to me that the "I need to be happy so my kids will be happy" brigade is often motivated by selfish interests. They want what they want and they are going to rationalize it any way they have to. They tell themselves that leaving the wife or husband who loves them so that they can follow their heart into someone else's bed is really better for their kids in the long run. Or that it is better for their kids not to see them 'bored'. I think as long as kid's needs are being met they aren't all that obsessed with mom or dad's personal fulfillment. Then again, I think many marriages fail just because people don't take the committment seriously enough and there's a lot of the 'grass is greener' phenomenon at play. Lots of folks say they tried to make it work but they really didn't. They saw something else they wanted more and broke the door down trying to get to it.
Please, don't bombard me with antecdotes about how so-and-so's situation was different, or come to me to attack me for stereotyping you (not you personally, just in general) because I know there are many people who end marriages for very good reasons. I'm talking about the ones that don't. If we want to go into this further we should start another thread on the relationships forum or something.
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