[Grimmlok]

Nearly half of the British children with an eating disorder feel unable to talk about their problem, says a report from the Eating Disorders Association (EDA).

It is estimated that more than a million people in the UK have anorexia or bulimia and many of them are young.

The report says eating disorders are still misunderstood and mistaken, sometimes seen as trivial and self-inflicted when they are actually serious and life-threatening mental illnesses.

Early treatment is vital if people are to avoid long-term consequences to their physical and mental health, but many youngsters keep their condition secret - including one such teenager who has kept a diary of her relationship with food.

Sarah - not her real name - lives in Manchester with her mother and sister. The 18-year-old student has had an eating disorder for four years. Here she details how food dominated her last week.




MONDAY
Monday usually starts with a list of resolutions about what food I am not going to allow myself to eat in the next week. I want to control what I eat and get a feeling of excitement at the strict targets I set myself. When I am at college it is easy to do. The hard part starts when I get home from college. My family know I have a problem and insist on family meal times.

I started focusing on food when I was in my early teens. My parents divorced and I felt it was my fault. I felt unworthy and stopped eating. I felt I no longer deserved food and controlling what I ate would help me get control of my life. It became the only positive aspect of my life. I feel I have succeeded at something if I get through the day only eating what I have planned. If I don't succeed I have a voice in my head that tells me how bad and weak I am.


TUESDAY
I stick to my eating plan again and I also cook a meal for myself and my mum. When I cook I usually make complicated dishes as I like dealing with food, but in the end don't have much myself. I try to avoid eating but not being around food. I will cook and watch cookery programmes, surrounding myself with food, but not eating it makes me feel strong willed.

I have set up strict rules for myself. I try not to eat before a certain time and after a certain time. I measure out everything, even the skimmed milk I put in my tea, and will restrict how much water I drink. It is a ritual and I feel scared when I can't do it, when my routine is disturbed. It's very important to me, it's about control and I don't like not to be in control.


WEDNESDAY
Had an argument with a friend today. Not eating can make me irritable and snappy. I know I have lost friends over the years. Controlling my eating ends up controlling my life and that doesn't make me the most fun person to be with, or to live with. You can't rely on people anyway, but on food you can.

I weigh myself at the same time each day. I do it when I get up as I will be at my lightest. I do it before having a shower because even having wet hair might make me weigh more. It's not about what I look like or what size clothes I wear, as I never want to show off my body anyway. It is about how much I weigh.


THURSDAY
Another argument today, this time with my mum and sister. I know I am hard to live with and they worry. The row makes me feel low so I binge on bags of crisps, which makes me feel worse. I end up throwing up in the garden. I can't really do it in the house if they are there as they know and try and stop me. You get very clever about hiding stuff.

I was referred to my local hospital for help a few years ago after my mum took me to the doctors. I weighed under seven stone (44kg), which was low for my height. I've had help and am now seven-and-a-half stone (48kg). Everyone wants me to gain more weight but this is as far as I can go. The help I get is focused on food and not why I control what I eat. Food is just the tool I use, the problem is something different but no one seems to want to listen to that.


FRIDAY
I am cutting out even more stuff today to make up for my binge yesterday. If I have a craving for something like chocolate I will often just put it in my mouth to taste it but don't swallow it. It takes a lot of control to spit it out but I feel good when I do.

I know I have improved my eating over the years and I am not so strict with myself, but I can't imagine a time when I won't think about what I am putting in my mouth. I know everyone around me wants me to be normal but what does that word mean anyway? Everyone I know worries about something and does stuff to make themselves feel better or to forget. My friends drink and take drugs, is controlling my eating any worse than that?


SATURDAY
Go to the gym today. Exercise is also an important part of my life. It is all wrapped up with my eating. Often I feel quite faint after a session as I like to push myself but don't have much energy because I haven't eaten much. It's quite a nice feeling for me.

Sometime I think of the health implications of what I do, but it is a fight between my head and my body. My body might be wanting food but my head is always questioning if I really need it and trying to talk me out of it. People tend to think anorexia is about being skinny because that's what the media says is good. For me, it's about something different. I don't want to show my body off, I want to feel as if I am good at something. I want to feel good about myself.


SUNDAY
Sunday is the day when I assess how I have done and think about my targets for the following week. This week I feel quite proud of myself but if I've had a bad week I can feel quite low. New targets all depend on what I have managed the week before.

I do wish I wasn't like this. But this is me, this is what goes on in my head and this is what I do to my body. I have had help but I know the changes have to come from within me and that's the frightening thing, I don't know if I can do it.